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The Laws of Attraction


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So. I thought this would not only be useful when it comes to writing (because I know a lot of us like to include romance in our writings), but also a general life thing.

Yes. The official romance thread has arrived folks. I thought it would be interesting to get a bunch of different perspectives about the 'mating game' ahaha. We are a diverse community of different genders, races, and experiences after all.

To paint a generic perspective....

Women are mystified by men. Men claim to be simple creatures but is this really true?

Women ask, "Does he like me?" which has contributed too many magazines and Reddit threads trying to decipher the 'CODE'.

And men think, "There's no way she's interested in me" and girl gets frustrated that boy does not notice and moves on.

So. Lads and lasses of Tazland. The big questions.

  • What does attraction feel like to you?
  • How do you show someone you have some interest in them?
  • What do you when you're totally not interested?
  • What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?
  • How do you get over rejection?
  • Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

 

Go wild. But don't bite. 

@Moderator  @Community Leader  @Senior Member @Veteran Member  @New Member  @Member

 

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This is going to differ from guy to guy, but my two cents on what I do.

  • If I don't like the girl, I won't make time for her
  • If I have to talk to her, it'll be forced and short conversations. Don't smile. Don't make jokes. Give one ended-conversations
  • I don't use social media. I can't give advice on that
  • Body language is key. Don't make eye contact. Bored tone of voice. Arms folded.
  • Don't reply to her texts/messages. If I have to then make them closed ended.
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  • Community Leader
4 minutes ago, TheWaffleKing said:

This is going to differ from guy to guy, but my two cents on what I do.

  • If I don't like the girl, I won't make time for her
  • If I have to talk to her, it'll be forced and short conversations. Don't smile. Don't make jokes. Give one ended-conversations
  • I don't use social media. I can't give advice on that
  • Body language is key. Don't make eye contact. Bored tone of voice. Arms folded.
  • Don't reply to her texts/messages. If I have to then make them closed ended.

I should probably follow some of that advice, I tend to be too nice so there has been more than a good handful of guys who have asked me out and I’ve rejected lol

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  • Administrator

Hmm, this is a toughie even though I asked it. But based on my limited interactions....

*thinks back to highschool*

I was always genuinely surprised when someone wanted to talk to me, and there was this guy that was always very nice to me. The only people who stood in our way were his cousin and ex-girlfriend, so naturally that made things very awkward (nothing ever happened because I moved back to Australia). During lunch hours, I'd often go down to the basketball courts to shoot some hoops. And he would come over to (he was actually on the basketball team) and join in on the fun (usually with a friend or so). I never thought much about it at the time, but I got a bit suspicious when all his friends were also nice to me (that didn't talk to me much before heh). 

I remember I'd try and avoid him as much as possible hahaha, and it wasn't because I didn't like him, but it was more out of fear of others finding out. I'd try not to make any eye contact and kinda hide behind my good close tight knit group of male friends. It was a small school and there weren't many places to hide, so had to get creative and go around the back. I then noticed he'd always just be around in the area, hang around for pointless conversations, and always seem to be near in the classroom haha - or at least, within my eyesight range, so I'd always have to be looking in his general direction. 

It's true what people say methinks. People come and go, but you'll never forget how someone made you feel regardless if it was pain or love. You'll remember those events.

Over a decade later past high school... I've tried the online dating thing to see what the big fuss was all about. Went out and met a few guys and was bored out of my mind. I can say this.... Girls aren't really that different from dudes when it comes to showing disinterest. I typically (or maybe it's just a 'me' thing), but if I do not like you...

  • I won't message you. I won't reply to texts. I won't give you any time of my day. So, if I actually reply to a message within a week, consider me somewhat interested.
  • I'll give one word responses if in person. There'll be these weird awkward silences. It's because I'm bored out of my mind. 
  • If I give you a one word response online and no attempt at conversation is made on my end after that, it's because I really don't want to talk to you.

That's a few things.

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  • Board Moderator

I don't think I've had the experience of someone else being romantically interested in me without it being requited, though I have lost interest in an online relationship before. 

In the event you lose interest in a relationship its important you're straight forward with them. It saves more hurt in the long run. 

 

In regards to me being interested in others, my love life has not been the smoothest lol

I'm really hard at showing my interest in people, I either clam up or get visibly giddy towards them. Which can sometimes scare them off. 

I am really bad at telling the person about my feelings though, there's only been two people I confessed to and the first went badly. The second became my girlfriend, and I'm still surprised that happened like that.

It's infinitely harder for me to gauge interest in girls tho than it is with guys. My first crush on a girl, she was my friend and openly into other girls but I have no 'gaydar'. I couldn't tell if when she was making innuendos and asking me to hang out if it was friendly or flirting. 

 

I do get over rejection pretty quick though, even if I have a good cry at first. I've had my interest shift or die within a month, especially in regards to my second crush where he acted rude to me at some point and I just thought 'fuck you, moving on'. 

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For me, there's a lot that makes up a relationship, and also a lot of factors that are really important to me. What applies to me may not potentially apply to others, but nonetheless this is how I see and feel things;

I'm a very clingy person by nature, and I pour myself deeply into any relationship I'm in - whatever we're doing, may it be talking, gaming or so on, I forever like to make my other half feel involved and included, even when I go off on a tangent rambling about something.

In terms of the things that attract me and the things that I like in a person, I don't really go for physical attributes myself to start off a relationship. Of course, I have to feel attracted to how they look too, but it isn't the first thing I look to. That's why I have most luck with long distance relationships, because I can get a sense of someone's personality first and foremost.

And well.. it is so much easier because then people don't judge me based on looks either (I'm severely physically disabled, so people would often judge that before anything else.. it sucks, but I think people don't like that commitment). For me, if someone can make me happy and make me laugh and make me feel as thought I don't need to hide anything about myself, then I know they're right for me.

I met my current partner of ongoing almost 3 years via a game we both mutually play (FFXIV) and it's very much LDR - me being England and him being France. It has admittedly had its rough patches, seeing as we first got together back just before the pandemic stuff started (which has destroyed so many chances of meeting up) but it's a good learning experience.

 

Being someone who is attracted to people regardless of gender or identity, what matters first and foremost is personality. But that's just my take on it anywho.

 

 

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  • Administrator
On 3/20/2022 at 1:14 AM, Caffeinearted said:

For me, there's a lot that makes up a relationship, and also a lot of factors that are really important to me. What applies to me may not potentially apply to others, but nonetheless this is how I see and feel things;

I'm a very clingy person by nature, and I pour myself deeply into any relationship I'm in - whatever we're doing, may it be talking, gaming or so on, I forever like to make my other half feel involved and included, even when I go off on a tangent rambling about something.

In terms of the things that attract me and the things that I like in a person, I don't really go for physical attributes myself to start off a relationship. Of course, I have to feel attracted to how they look too, but it isn't the first thing I look to. That's why I have most luck with long distance relationships, because I can get a sense of someone's personality first and foremost.

And well.. it is so much easier because then people don't judge me based on looks either (I'm severely physically disabled, so people would often judge that before anything else.. it sucks, but I think people don't like that commitment). For me, if someone can make me happy and make me laugh and make me feel as thought I don't need to hide anything about myself, then I know they're right for me.

I met my current partner of ongoing almost 3 years via a game we both mutually play (FFXIV) and it's very much LDR - me being England and him being France. It has admittedly had its rough patches, seeing as we first got together back just before the pandemic stuff started (which has destroyed so many chances of meeting up) but it's a good learning experience.

 

Being someone who is attracted to people regardless of gender or identity, what matters first and foremost is personality. But that's just my take on it anywho.

 

 

Yeah, I totally agree with personality. Humour is extremely important to me - if you take things too seriously, I don't think we're gonna work out. 

I'm not a clingy person by nature so I like to have a lot of space. Otherwise I get a bit angsty and bored.

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So... I might actually have a bit of a unique perspective on all of this, because I consider myself Asexual/ possibly Aromantic? (A fact that might send at least a few people I know through a loop lol)

 

 I've always felt like I wouldn't MIND a relationship if someone I cared about was interested, but I've never felt a compulsion or need to get into one, nor do I get hit with these feelings that other people apparently do like being fascinated by other people's bodies or yearning for something beyond a close friendship.

 

 It's not like I don't understand this stuff or could emulate it, but... It's a very detached view, and thus sometimes I feel like I can avoid the bullshit a bit lol. When other people seem to make things overcomplicated it seems very easy to me.

 

 What does attraction feel like;

 

I can't exactly answer what attraction feels like to me, but, so far anyway, the closest I've gotten is simply a close friendship. I remember back in college at one point, a girl I was friends with (who herself said she was similarly Asexual... Whether that's true or not idk but I tend to take people's words on their own feelings) got tired and leaned her head on my shoulder while listening to a lecture, and I didn't mind all that much - that's probably what I can expect for myself in a future relationship, one where I might not YEARN for something, but feel comfortable enough to have that sort of contact while... Probably still appreciating the emotional connection more than anything.

 

How do you show interest;

 

Bit of a tricky question for me. I've never felt any such urge - but what I feel is the right thing to do if I DID? And how I'd hope other people would do for me? I'd want myself to be honest about my feelings. Obviously, easier said than done, especially, I imagine, for someone who's genuinely got an attachment theybdont want to lose, but whether you say it or not won't change the other person's feelings, so rather than trying to "flirt" or send "hints", if you have an interest in someone, you need to shoot your shot and just see what the answer is, imo there isn't really a way around this.

 

 What do you do when you're not interested;

I mean, are we assuming that they ARE interested and I'm not? Well, I remember once, when I was younger and less mature, by response was to just avoid them - nowadays I'd expect myself to be a whole lot less harsh than that. Again, the answer is to be transparent about how you feel. They can't expect you to return feelings and you shouldn't feel like you should either, how things go from that point on should really be talked about between both parties. Again, probably easier said than done, but if you ask me frpm my, admittedly, detached POV, communication is the one thing people seem to lack when it comes to confusion over this stuff.

 Of course, if they start to make you feel uncomfortable by continuing to show feelings, you shouldn't be afraid to set boundaries either. To me, for obvious reasons, it's important that people respect the feelings of others, or lack thereof.

 

What even is flirting;

 

well... There's not much to discern it unless you're being REALLY overboard with your flirting. I mean, I can imagine some of the stuff i say and my friends say back, taken out of context, could probably be considered not just flirting, but EXTREME flirting lmao, but it's literally just banter and I can garuantee that for a fact.

 

 The only time it'd be really obvious is if, say, you meet someone for the first time and put your flirt game on where it's expected - like at a bar or something?

 

 Thus, why I don't believe in relying on flirting and think people should just be more honest and open about how they feel. I consider it... Rather inneficiant.

 

 How to deal with rejection;

 

Couldn't say. Never been rejected cause I've never gone after someone, but... I'd expect, even if it hurts, for someone to understand that you cannot EXPECT someone to return feelings.

 

 There's no discussion on that matter, if someone isn't interested the best thing you can do is accept those feelings and move on, you're only going to make things worse if you don't.

 

 Again the best thing to do is communicate though... If you say you need space afterwards I think that's also perfectly fine. I'm sure a rejection WOULD be hard to work through, and the other person should also respect that as much as you should respect their turning you down.

 

Are online friendships real;

 

Yes. Of course they are, some of my best friends have been online.

 

 Don't get me wrong, you need face to face interaction. We haven't quite evolved to get the same boost out of text or disembodied voices as hanging out with irl friends, so they probably aren't gonna be QUITE as strong, but any emotional connection to someone else is still perfectly valid.

 

 As for romantic relationships... Hm... I mean - I've seen at least two YouTube couples that I can think of who started out online before moving together, and they have some of the strongest relationships I know. (Felix and Maria, Jeannie and Henry from MXR)

 

 But I don't think it's controversial to say that you probably need to meet in person before you can really start to see the potential of the relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Board Moderator

I'm gonna give this my best shot but honestly, *deep sigh* I don't know everyone is different and in general the way I interact with each person is different, so it's hard to set any kind of blanket statement to this

  • What does attraction feel like to you?

Well, there are different levels of attraction. But to me, the first cue I get from myself that I'm attracted to someone is a desire to get to know them better. To see more of them and talk to them more. Not that it matters given my amount of free time being basically nonexistent but what can ya do.

  • How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

I... actually don't know. I've technically never asked anyone out, every time I've been the one approached. Huh.

  • What do you when you're totally not interested?

Well I'm totally not interested in most people so I just treat them like I treat everyone else :) 

  • What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

I don't know how to describe it, but there are definitely tells. Flirting is essentially just a pointed way of being nice. Directed at a singular person, making them feel like you're focusing on them with your kindness and not just doing it out of your kind heart. Or something. Fuck, I don't know. I suck at this.

  • How do you get over rejection?

Uh.... I guess there are plenty of fish in the sea? I can only say how I've gotten over a relationship ending as oppose to being rejected, and it fucking sucks. I feel miserable. I spend the next week and a half (more depending on how long and important the relationship was) wondering if things could've been different, things I would've said differently or different decisions I could've made.... the way I get over it is eventually feeling burned out and apathetic, and then I slowly reset like a wind-up toy. It's really rather pathetic. 

  • Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

Online friendships are absolutely real, but you really gotta work for it. Make them part of your daily life and make sure they feel attached to you as a person, not just your online persona. Face to face interaction is so huge between people. Without it, online friendships can be real, sure, but it's hard to say it matches close friends you know in person.

Long distance relationships? What? No, of course they're not real. A real romantic relationship requires you to at least meet in person. Long distance relationships only work if you see each often, and in person. Otherwise, what's the difference between that and an acquaintance. Perhaps it can start out that way but at some point you're going to have to actually be around them.

Oh, look at me, me and this girl online exchanged usernames and now I call her my girlfriend. We're dating and its totally real, except I've seen her face like once and she's basically just a stranger with an arbitrary label.

Nah. At the end of the day, being in a relationship means being part of each other's lives. It does not mean you play video games together every now and then. 

I suppose it depends on the type of romantic relationship and type of long distance thing it is. But specifically online ones are not real unless you're part of each other's daily lives. You're constantly striving to make up for a huge lack of intimacy and connection and most people cannot accomplish it.

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5 hours ago, Ace of Spies said:

I'm gonna give this my best shot but honestly, *deep sigh* I don't know everyone is different and in general the way I interact with each person is different, so it's hard to set any kind of blanket statement to this

  • What does attraction feel like to you?

Well, there are different levels of attraction. But to me, the first cue I get from myself that I'm attracted to someone is a desire to get to know them better. To see more of them and talk to them more. Not that it matters given my amount of free time being basically nonexistent but what can ya do.

  • How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

I... actually don't know. I've technically never asked anyone out, every time I've been the one approached. Huh.

  • What do you when you're totally not interested?

Well I'm totally not interested in most people so I just treat them like I treat everyone else :) 

  • What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

I don't know how to describe it, but there are definitely tells. Flirting is essentially just a pointed way of being nice. Directed at a singular person, making them feel like you're focusing on them with your kindness and not just doing it out of your kind heart. Or something. Fuck, I don't know. I suck at this.

  • How do you get over rejection?

Uh.... I guess there are plenty of fish in the sea? I can only say how I've gotten over a relationship ending as oppose to being rejected, and it fucking sucks. I feel miserable. I spend the next week and a half (more depending on how long and important the relationship was) wondering if things could've been different, things I would've said differently or different decisions I could've made.... the way I get over it is eventually feeling burned out and apathetic, and then I slowly reset like a wind-up toy. It's really rather pathetic. 

  • Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

Online friendships are absolutely real, but you really gotta work for it. Make them part of your daily life and make sure they feel attached to you as a person, not just your online persona. Face to face interaction is so huge between people. Without it, online friendships can be real, sure, but it's hard to say it matches close friends you know in person.

Long distance relationships? What? No, of course they're not real. A real romantic relationship requires you to at least meet in person. Long distance relationships only work if you see each often, and in person. Otherwise, what's the difference between that and an acquaintance. Perhaps it can start out that way but at some point you're going to have to actually be around them.

Oh, look at me, me and this girl online exchanged usernames and now I call her my girlfriend. We're dating and its totally real, except I've seen her face like once and she's basically just a stranger with an arbitrary label.

Nah. At the end of the day, being in a relationship means being part of each other's lives. It does not mean you play video games together every now and then. 

I suppose it depends on the type of romantic relationship and type of long distance thing it is. But specifically online ones are not real unless you're part of each other's daily lives. You're constantly striving to make up for a huge lack of intimacy and connection and most people cannot accomplish it.

I guess it is a bit debatable about the online relationships thing. I knew someone who had one for years (thanks to League of Legends of all things) but they were always striving to meet each other in person (they did and got married and are still together after a decade lol). It also worked for them coz neither of them were very touchy feely sorta people so physically being near each other wasn't that big a of a deal lol (though, like I said, they did eventually meet and all was well).

But yeah, I do agree. You can be in love with the idea of that person online - but you're never really gonna know if romance is a certainty unless you have that face to face contact (because online person can be totally different to how they are online). Even if you're both asexual (and introverted) - well, that might be different I suppose? I don't know. Long distance friendships? Totally fine because you don't need that physical intimacy in the same way.

 

 

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  • 1 month later...

disagree with not finding love online. an emotional bond comes first - if you cannot connect with them online, how are you going to form that connection in person? love isn't just purely physical. i found the love of my life online - and then we eventually met in person several years later. now we're married with two kids and i wouldn't ask for anything else. there is someone for everyone. 

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • Board Moderator
On 5/9/2022 at 5:12 PM, BurningAngel said:

disagree with not finding love online. an emotional bond comes first - if you cannot connect with them online, how are you going to form that connection in person? love isn't just purely physical. i found the love of my life online - and then we eventually met in person several years later. now we're married with two kids and i wouldn't ask for anything else. there is someone for everyone. 

Agreeing with the emotional bond coming first.

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Also an extrovert here. Ya gotta go out and meet people. You could form a great relationship with online sure, but it's not the same as IRL. Touch. Sight. Smell even.Can online friendships become romantic? Yeah,  maybe, but ya gotta meet them first. You'll never know what love is if you don't spend time with that person. 

If I'm interested in someone, I'll be upfront about it. No beating around the bush and playing little games. 

  • Eye contact
  • Making her laugh. Banter is good.
  • Be calm
  • Smile
  • Compliments (nice ones. don't make random sexual comments. Say good things about her personality or something.)
  • Listen to her. Be a good listener
  • See how she reacts to touch
  • If you're in a social group? Direct your attention to her. Face her.

Got that part down and she's reacting in a positive way? Next step. Ask them if they wanna go out with you and do something you'll both like. You gotta be careful or she might think you're a creep. If you gel, great. If you don't, find the next person.

There's a difference between flirting and being nice. You flirt with the intent of taking things to the next level. Being nice? It's just about being a nice person. There's no intention to get all physical with that person. I'm nice to girls I don't wanna date. I'm flirty to the girls I do wanna date. Jokes. Laughter. All that. Always pay on the first date if you're a guy. If she offers to split, refuse. 

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What does attraction feel like to you?

I don't even know, tbh. I'm attracted emotionally first and physically second. To me, emotional attraction says much about a person's character and personality, how they interact with other people and yourself, included. Doesn't make sense to me to be attracted to someone who's a looker but has a personality as dry and dead as roadkill or is a dried up a-hole or prune of a human.

Whether is online/offline relationships, emotional attraction glues the relationship together (whether romantic or platonic). Without it, it feels dead and one-sided at times and that's not how to live life. I mean, the imp thing as long as you can get along with the other person and adore and acknowledge for their faults of being human, then you're doing alright. Personally, emotional attraction makes me feel good and alive. Lol, I'm not sure what else to say!


How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

When the "talk" comes up, I tell them. Sometimes, I don't tell them but I do things for them that don't need asking. I let my actions speak louder than my words.


What do you when you're totally not interested?

I state my boundaries and remain friendly/civil.


What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

I don't know the difference. 

Source: I'm dense.


How do you get over rejection?

Hmmm... I've never been rejected but I've been dumped before but here's my two cents. I mull it over the first couple of days. From personal experiences, the heart squeezes itself to the point I think I'm going to die of a heart failure, tbh. Eventually I try to make peace with the situation and focus my attention on things that matter anyway. Over the days it gets better and the heart feels less weighted. During heartbreaks I eat and game and write to get all my angst out then I'll be back to normal. I don't take long to bounce back because mulling over it doesn't change the past.

Adding a bit more... I stand by the idea of time being precious. So wasting time thinking about them, about the what ifs and whatnot is a waste of my time as time is a commodity for me. Time is expensive.


Are online friendships even real? Can you even have long distance relationships?

Yes, I wholeheartedly think so. All my previous relationships were online, long distance relationships and to me, they felt real. I don't need a physical relationship to validate it; on an emotional level, it felt 'right' and the body reacts accordingly. The heart flutters when they're online or when we do voice chat and laugh over dumb, mundane things. I know it wasn't infatuation when the other person is willing to spend hours of their day in crazy timezones waiting for you, to talk with you, to drop good morning/night messages, and so forth. Long distance relationships work when both parties invest time and space in one another. All relationships start with friendships, anyway and more often than not, they're all non-sexual, and are driven by shared interests.

I know people will see this differently but these are my personal views/experience.

Edited by Nirianne
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To answer my own questions....

 

How do you get over rejection?

Well, I don't ask people so I don't have to worry about getting rejected heh.

 

What does attraction feel like to you?

Anything but sadness/depression/anger - basically, warm and fuzzy feelings!

 

How do you show someone you have some interest in them?

I don't ignore them.

 

What do you when you're totally not interested?

Ignore them.

 

What's the difference between being flirty and just being nice?

There's a difference?

 

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