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Fools' Game comments and ideas


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  • 2 weeks later...

@Wizarmonfan
For chapter 2 ideas, perhaps you get a more on M’s perspective (i’m just going to call the main girl that because I have trouble spelling her name). A really interesting idea is If she does become a chosen, but she realizes she can use the power for evil, or at least topple the current establishment. And perhaps there are others like her that she can gather. Not everyone is going to be happy with what’s going on. So M could be a perfect way to detail that. Perhaps there is truly something wrong with the establishment, and she is the only one to realize that.

as for this chapter, start by working on transitions. Some of transitions were very fast, so it was hard to know what was going on. For example, it sounds like she’s pretty badly wounded from the initial confrontation before the story starts. However, when the story picks up in the present day, it’s revealed she only lost an eye. It was something that caught me off guard because it just goes to her getting into an ambulance to being in the present day with only one eye. Something in between could help that. For example she could realize she couldn’t see at one side, or her remembering the doctors telling her That she was lucky to be alive and that she had only lost an eye.

you may want to do some research on how people that lose eyes function. The narrative treats her as though she is completely blind and helpless (her being implied to have trouble with anything that is not short walk, having trouble with combing her hair, her parents have to help her with things). And even though her parents may be overbearing and she might think people see her as that, the reality is she isn’t. In fact, if I didn’t know she lost tonight, I would think she was blind, but she’s only blind on one side, and there’s ways to adapt around that.

additionally, depending on how old she is, their decision to refuse therapy may not be hers to make. They may do some sort of therapy or treatment in the hospital after she lost the eye, or her parents would legally be in charge of her medical records and thus could make her go to therapy. And even if she goes to therapy and refuses to do exercises or treatments, her parents would probably take notice and find a way to get her to do them or at least be frustrated at her when she doesn’t. So she probably would at least have some therapy or adjustment to it regardless of how she felt.

Consider describing some of the background a bit more. It’s obvious that there is some sort of battle or aftermath of a battle from the very first sentence, but there’s no idea where it takes place or what the casualties are if any. And it’s hard to know what’s going on around people, such as how people are feeling or how many people are in danger, or how easy it is to move around. Background explanation is something that would help that. There’s a little bit more description in the chapter 2nd half, such as the fact that takes place at a school and a home, but there’s little to explain what the school looks like or what the home is like. So try describing it a bit more.

finally, watch those long sentences. A lot of your sentences can be broken up into two or even three. Some of them have a lot of commas where they could be separated. For example, there is the very first sentence in the story that has the fact that takes place add some moisture in a bottle, that there’s a girl that was rescued, and that she’s looking around without knowing where to go while being afraid. That’s a lot of information put into one sentence, and it’s easier to read if it’s more than one. A good rule to remember it’s a try and separate sentences that have more than one comma in them and are not things like a list. That should help you in knowing what sentences can be separated and made into groups of two or three.

let me know if you have any more questions, and good luck!

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