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darkened-storm

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Everything posted by darkened-storm

  1. Rather than repost links I’ve edited my origins post to flag changes, thought it might be easier for you to track that way. I also think it might be good to flag pieces that were submitted the month prior that didn’t get reviews so that people go for them first
  2. Looks good. I shall have a peruse when I am feeling less blocked
  3. I have to be in the mood to listen to LP. Like, I love the band, but it’s not what I’d go to listen to when I’m trying to be productive. that being said - fantastic stuff. I used to see a lot of AMV’s, and an amazing one about the Blitzkreig boys on YouTube set to Numb … sigh, those were the days. I think I got back into them around the era of Transformers because they featured heavily in the first three movies and we’re my favourite parts of those soundtracks. So yeah, I like it all!
  4. This - people forget that Tyson has a lot going on, so it's easy to say: he's being really immature but to be honest, Max and Ray leaving probably just worsened his abandonment issues because they basically became like his family through the original series and V-Force. Poor Tyson
  5. When you write fanfiction, do you think your write it based on the source material, or is it fanfiction based on what you see in the fandom? I think this is a big issue, particularly with some of the less developed characters, where there's more about them in fanon, things become mistaken for canon when they are not, but I think personally have more of a problem with bastardisation of character personalities, i.e Kai: Beyblade, Yamato: Digimon etc... On the contrary, in fandoms where there are fewer additional characters, I've actually seen some OCs been cycled around the fandom such as Elektrcum's OC's in the Narnia fandom Discuss =)
  6. Yeah I took down an Alpha Parasect in the third area but he was a toughie Also, how the hell are you getting Eevee to spawn. I've only had 3 spawn. You need to jump in the grass and chuck a berry away from you so they run to it. Evolution stores are in some store in the main village - google it cuz I can't remember exactly where - I have umbreon already and I've been playing 2 days, rank 3 That DLC idea sounds brilliant, with pokemon snap they did updates that added maps so that'd be cool
  7. This. Hiro is one of my favourite characters - always has been. He is incredibly complex, but also there is so much potential when writing about him. @AquilaTempestasYou're right, the series doesn't give us an explanation, nor does it give us a reconciliation between the brothers, but that is why I absolutely love fanfiction - because I can write that resolution. And I will... eventually
  8. I'm going to start it tomorrow on my lunch break. I'm picking Cyndaquil =)
  9. I have nothing spectacular, but this little tidbit where Kai, even though he knows he needs to give Becky space to process the fact that he won't be returning as their captain this year, he still worries about her feelings, so he goes to her cousin instead. ---- “How is she?” Steph didn’t need to guess the she he was referring to. “Angry. At least I’m guessing because she refuses to talk about you. I wouldn’t be surprised if she recruits Tyson and Daichi into an anti-Kai club. They’ll probably meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays and talk about how much of a disappointment you are.”
  10. What I've reviewed so far (good thing I got a head start due to this weekends circumstances) - Smells Like Teen Spirit - Time After Time - Rich Husband, Poor Wife - Shattered Memories - Get Inside - College Professors
  11. I love how you refer to it as a battlefield =) This is pretty bloody adorable, I'm not going to lie =) The banter and the back and forth - pure fluff, while still keeping with the action. A few suggestions to make it flow a bit nicer... Perhaps for the first sentence, breaking it up a bit: His hands found the small mallet as Ace dropped a coin into the slot. He felt the a rush of cold air beneath his fingers and heard the clatter of a puck being dropped. Slamming is coming off a bit harsh, I feel like I'm watching football not air hockey: try: Ace dropped the puck onto the table and gave it a nudge with his mallet, propelling to towards Niko. (The emphasis is coming from the word propel here instead) Again - whacking comes across as not the right term, try knocking the flat disc away from his goal. Conversely, slapping is fine - in feal hockey they use the term slap shot, so this keeps me in the scene. The disc spiralled from side to side - ricocheted is better used here. the puck is flat, not a ball. although that means using ricocheted twice, you can try substituting bounce instead in either spot. Also, these two look so cute together, I already love them Good job!
  12. I can always count on you to chop my words =) Point taken =)
  13. I have submitted a WIP for review in my person thread, but something I also worked on today was a little CANDY scene to cheer myself up =) A cute little Steph x Matt scene from an upcoming chapter of Tri: Of Honesty and Loyalty ---- Just as she was thinking about how she could spend forever like this; she heard a rustling behind them, followed by the sound of voices. Quiet voices - and some not so quiet ones - whispering excitedly from the next room, and remembered that they were supposed to be supervising their Digimon. Slowly she pulled away from him, ignoring his muffled sounds of protest, and inclined her head towards the rehearsal room where she caught a glimpse of blue and white fur as it darted back out of the room, followed by a flash of orange. “I think,” she said, her voice catching, “that we might have an audience.” He laughed soundlessly. “I noticed,” he said. Then, in a far sterner voice that their audience could clearly hear, he added; “the lot of you better make yourselves scarce if you know what’s good for you.” The Digimon squealed in alarm as they scrambled away, tripping over their own feet as they hurried to shut the door behind them. “Knuckleheads,” he muttered, and she couldn’t help but laugh; a laugh that he quickly silenced with another kiss, this time soft and lingering. Forgetting the momentary interruption, she kissed him back, noting the way that his heartbeat began to race and he reached for her again … And then her phone chimed.
  14. Oh they always need a bit of polishing but this is great to begin with
  15. I think you need to change this up, using looked and looking doesn't roll off the tongue nicely. The rest is fantastic! Poor Lyra!!!
  16. I would change x formation to cross formation
  17. I guess I felt that when I initially sat down to write NSNV it was feeling pretty flat until I sat down an examined it and looked for some themes? I think a redemption arc for Hiro was forefront, but then I felt in particular that Tyson and my OC's who were the main focus were really lacking, so I sat down and nutted it out, What am I writing? I'm essentially writing young adult - key themes there would be becoming a better person, maturing, personal growth, finding oneself etc the characters started to come alive a bit more. Then I looked at the overarching themes - family, friendship, team spirit etc and applied them to the story I was trying to tell and it started to come to life. I kind of feel that ... you have to treat your themes kinda like their own character - they get their own plot and personal growth too?
  18. WIP Submission #2 Context: After the battle with Alphamon at Pallette Town, the cousins discuss Omnimon’s failed Digivolution. ** Note: I don’t usually post FIRST drafts, but at the moment I’m really delving into the relationship between the two cousins, and how Becky plays more of a voice of reason to a more reluctant Steph who prefers to avoid the difficult situations ... This is mostly just dialogue at this stage with some cute Digimon thrown in What I'm looking for: How does the dialogue read, how does it convey the relationship between the two characters, and how do the characters come across. Is Becky being fair or selfish in pushing Steph to confront the two boys. Are these two characters that you want to read? --- The sound of the front door opening and closing, followed by the jingling of keys being placed on the hall table. “I’m home,” Steph Summers called out. “In the kitchen,” Becky replied, shutting her laptop just as her cousin entered the living room. The older girl dumped her jacket and scarf unceremoniously over the back of the couch and headed for the kitchen. “I got us some yakisoba from that place you like down the street.” Comfort food, Becky thought and she knew immediately that her cousin was feeling guilty over the battle with Alphamon. Becky didn’t know what more the Chosen could have done when the mega Digimon had slipped through the distortion in the middle of a busy shopping district. Unlike at the airport, there had been a real and immediate danger to civilian life and Becky knew that if not for their quick actions, Alphamon would have likely destroyed Meicoomon. Meiko and Meicoomon… what did the appearance of a new Chosen and her partner have to do with the distortions causing havoc around Tokyo? It was just one of the questions that Nishijima and Himekawa had carefully left unanswered. “Smells good,” Becky said, seating herself at the bench as Steph unpacked an assortment of containers - Becky knew her cousin had a tendency to over-order on food when she was upset. “Pass me a noodle bowl,” she instructed. Becky did and Steph heaped a spoonful of yakisoba into the bowl before passing it across the bench towards her. Becky poked at it with her chopsticks and raised an eyebrow. “Vegetarian food? You’re spoiling me.” “Did someone say food?” a small voice pipped up from the floor. The smell of noodles had roused the two in-training digimon from their nap. Steph laughed and bent to scoop Tokomon from the floor. “Let me guess, you’re hungry again.” “We’re always hungry!” Nyaromon quiped. As she watched her cousin serve up a helping for each of the Digimon, Becky figured it was best to just rip off the band-aid. “Are we going to talk about what happened today?” Steph paused, her chopsticks hovering over the bowl. “Which part?” Becky sighed impatiently. “You know which part - the DNA digivolution … it failed.” The words hung in the air like a thick fog in the tiny kitchen. Steph said nothing, carefully replacing the lids on the plastic food containers before placing them in the fridge. She shut the fridge door with a heavy sigh. “You saw that, huh?” “I saw Tai pull back at the last minute, right when Omnimon was about to unleash his attack.” Steph’s eyes narrowed. “You think it failed because of Tai?” “We were both thinking it,” Becky said. I’m just the only one brave enough to say it, she thought. “There’s something going on with him.” There was a sudden POP! and Becky looked over to see that halfway through sharing their noodle bowl, the in-training digimon had evolved to Patamon and Salamon respectively, completely oblivious to the seriousness of their partners’ conversation. “Tai is …” Steph paused, as though she felt that what she was about to say could be considered blasphamy. “He’s going through some things right now. And Matt - I don’t know what’s going on in his head at the best of times.” Becky quirked an eyebrow. “We’re all going through things,” she remarked. “That’s part of growing up. But there are bigger problems right now than their petty squabbles.” Steph sighed reluctantly, and Becky knew that she was beginning to get through to her at last. “What makes you think I’ll be able to get through to either of them any better than Kari or T.K?” “Because whether we like it or not, the four of us carry a lot more responsibility than the other Digidestined. And because unlike Kari and T.K, you also have a DNA digivolution - you know better than anyone why it failed.” Her cousin’s expression grew tense and Becky knew there was no need to clarify. The DNA evolutions didn’t work when the Chosen partners were at odds with one another, and Tai and Matt had never been more disagreeable than they were now. “You know I wouldn’t ask you to do this if we had any other choice,” Becky insisted. “But you know as well as I do that Crusadermon wouldn’t have stood a chance against Alphamon on her own.” Steph sighed. “Why didn’t you say this sooner?” Becky did her best to offer a kind smile. “I’m saying it now.” “Alright then,” Steph conceded. “Great, you better get going then,” Becky said, tossing Steph her keys. The older girls eyes widened and she brought her hands up to protect her face. The keys clattered loudly to the floor. “Hey,” her cousin complained as Becky scooped the keys back up and ushered her cousin out the front door, Patamon in toe. “You really think she can get Matt and Tai to talk?” Salamon asked, staring down the hall. Becky shrugged. “I think we’re running out of other options, Salamon.”
  19. Hello and welcome! Loving your avatar!
  20. “You didn’t have to come with me. To camp I mean - if you hadn’t stayed home, you wouldn’t have landed up stuck here along with me.” Brown eyes stared resolutely back at her, confirming what she already knew; staying behind had never been an option for Becky. No matter how angry they were at one another, they didn’t leave each other behind. It made Steph feel all the guiltier for dragging them into this mess. “I’m going to find a way for us to get home,” she said, her tone resolute. “And until I do, I’m going to keep you safe, no matter what it takes.”
  21. I like it, but something about the last sentence isn't flowing well - like I feel the tension because your description lends to that but the last sentence is too long. Try just: You and I are nothing alike?
  22. My WIP from Wednesday, late as usual I have submitted the full piece in my feedback thread because basically it's too long for here. From my Digimon One Shot --- She glanced back toward the campsite where the others had gathered kindling for a fire. She heard Tai’s voice call out to Agumon, and the small dinosaur Digimon opened his mouth, letting out a jet of fire that set not only the bundle of logs and twigs alight, but also some of the surrounding grass. She saw a flash of irritation cross Matt’s face at Agumon’s carelessness - it had been a wayward spark from Tai’s campfire earlier that had made Seadramon attack them earlier. With a tsk of annoyance, he turned away and stretched out against the grass, folding his hands behind his head. “We’re not that far away,” he insisted as Steph watched Tai hastily stamp out the grass. “Besides, Gabumon’s watching - if there’s any trouble he can just Digivolve to Garurumon.” Steph wanted to argue that just because his partner could Digivolve now, that didn’t mean they should take unnecessary risks but then she remembered that heading back to the campsite would mean she’d have to apologise to her cousin. “Just a little longer then,” she conceded, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground as she stretched out beside him and cast her eyes back up at the stars again, thinking back to the many nights she and Becky had done the same on the rooftop of their apartment building. The artificial lights of Tokyo’s skyline had drowned out all but the brightest stars then but here, in the wilderness of the Digital World, the stars lit up the sky like a kaleidoscope. “I keep studying the constellations,” she told him. “I thought if I could identify one or two of them, I might be able to figure out where we are - or at least get some idea of how much time has passed since we got here.” “Any luck?” She shook her head, forgetting that he couldn’t see her face. “Not yet,” she admitted. “I don’t recognise a single one of these constellations - which is weird because constellations are made up of stars that are a million light years away. Even if we were on another planet in the galaxy, they would still appear in the same patterns as they would on Earth. Unless of course we were in another galaxy, but that’s just crazy talk…” She trailed off, acutely aware that she was rambling, which she knew was one of her less endearing qualities. Usually, when she rambled, Tai would tell her that she was being weird again and Becky would complain that she was over complicating things. Matt did neither of those things, ** but instead had let her ramble until she’d simply run out of words to say and silence fell over them both. When she turned her head to look at him she saw that he lay unmoving beside her, looking up at the stars. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, Steph realised, but rather a contented one. She felt better having gotten things off her chest, even if she hadn’t expected to unload those feelings on someone who was basically a stranger to her. ***
  23. First submission for feedback: Fandom: Digimon Feedback I'm looking for: Dialogue, flow and characterisation, but more importantly, is it clear what emotions are being conveyed here? Read on =) ------ The occasional spat between them wasn’t uncommon, but it usually took a few hours before one of them would calm down enough so that they could talk about it, so she was surprised when she heard the sound of footfalls approaching. “I told you that I needed a minute - ” She whirled around, her words dying in her throat when she saw it wasn’t her cousin standing behind her, but rather Matt Ishida, one of the other unfortunate children from summer camp that had been sent to this new world. “Oh,” she muttered, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks. “I thought you were … nevermind.” She sighed, staring down at the grass and feeling rather embarrassed. You’re never going to make any friends if you keep biting everybody’s heads off, the annoying voice in her head told her. *** He sat down on the ground beside her, hugging his knees against his chest and staring at the grass. Even the grass here felt different - like soft felt instead of fibrous plant matter. “Things got pretty heated back there,” he commented, keeping his tone light. Steph continued to stare at the grass. *** “I shouldn’t have lost my temper,” she said, casting her eyes towards the campsite where Tai and the others were gathered. “It’s easy for them,” he muttered, and there was a touch of resentment in his voice. “They don’t have a brother or sister to look out for like we do.” “We’re cousins, actually,” Steph explained. “We used to be really close when we were kids, but these days we don’t get along so well.” “The two of you grew up together then?” he guessed. She nodded. “My Dad’s work involves a lot of travel and my Mum is a doctor - when she would work night shifts while Dad was away I would stay with my aunt and uncle. Sleepovers are really fun when you’re kids, but I think as we both got older we made our own friends and drifted apart.” *** “It’s like you used to be so close to a person that you knew what they were thinking even before they did themselves. And then things changed and now when I try to talk to her, it’s like I’m talking to a stranger.” “I know the feeling,” he muttered, and she knew he was speaking from personal experience. The revelation that Matt and T.K’s parents were separated had certainly answered some of her earlier questions about the strange relationship between the brothers. “How long have you been separated for?” she asked tentatively - she knew he had a tendency to lose his temper whenever someone brought up his family situation. But the Matt sitting beside her staring at the grass suddenly seemed very different that the Matt who had been arguing with Taichi at every opportunity these last few days. “A few years,” he admitted. “We see each other for a week or so every summer.” “That must be hard on the both of you.” He shrugged, tugging at the blades of grass with his fingers. “I’m used to it - but T.K doesn’t understand. He wasn’t even supposed to come to camp with us, but I think both of my parents let him come just to avoid having a conversation with each other. And now we’re trapped here …” he trailed off. ** She didn’t know why, but Steph had the sudden urge to reach out and clasp her hand over his. He flinched at the touch, but didn’t pull his hand away. She wondered how long it had been since he’d been this honest with anyone other than his brother. She searched for something to say - something that would convey to him that she understood even if she couldn’t do anything to fix the situation. “You do a good job of taking care of T.K,” she told him kindly. He looked up at her, the corners of his mouth forming the first genuine smile she’d seen from him in the three days. “Thanks.” She smiled nervously, aware of the way his sapphire eyes were fixated intently on her. Slowly and awkwardly, she drew back her hand. “We should get back to the others,” she said reluctantly. “It’s probably not safe to stay separate for too long.” She glanced back toward the campsite where the others had gathered kindling for a fire. She heard Tai’s voice call out to Agumon, and the small dinosaur Digimon opened his mouth, letting out a jet of fire that set not only the bundle of logs and twigs alight, but also some of the surrounding grass. She saw a flash of irritation cross Matt’s face at Agumon’s carelessness - it had been a wayward spark from Tai’s campfire earlier that had made Seadramon attack them earlier. With a tsk of annoyance, he turned away and stretched out against the grass, folding his hands behind his head. “We’re not that far away,” he insisted as Steph watched Tai hastily stamp out the grass. “Besides, Gabumon’s watching - if there’s any trouble he can just Digivolve to Garurumon.” Steph wanted to argue that just because his partner could Digivolve now, that didn’t mean they should take unnecessary risks but then she remembered that heading back to the campsite would mean she’d have to apologise to her cousin. “Just a little longer then,” she conceded, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground as she stretched out beside him and cast her eyes back up at the stars again, thinking back to the many nights she and Becky had done the same on the rooftop of their apartment building. The artificial lights of Tokyo’s skyline had drowned out all but the brightest stars then but here, in the wilderness of the Digital World, the stars lit up the sky like a kaleidoscope. “I keep studying the constellations,” she told him. “I thought if I could identify one or two of them, I might be able to figure out where we are - or at least get some idea of how much time has passed since we got here.” “Any luck?” She shook her head, forgetting that he couldn’t see her face. “Not yet,” she admitted. “I don’t recognise a single one of these constellations - which is weird because constellations are made up of stars that are a million light years away. Even if we were on another planet in the galaxy, they would still appear in the same patterns as they would on Earth. Unless of course we were in another galaxy, but that’s just crazy talk…” She trailed off, acutely aware that she was rambling, which she knew was one of her less endearing qualities. Usually, when she rambled, Tai would tell her that she was being weird again and Becky would complain that she was over complicating things. Matt did neither of those things, ** but instead had let her ramble until she’d simply run out of words to say and silence fell over them both. When she turned her head to look at him she saw that he lay unmoving beside her, looking up at the stars. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, Steph realised, but rather a contented one. She felt better having gotten things off her chest, even if she hadn’t expected to unload those feelings on someone who was basically a stranger to her. *** “That one looks like a rabbit,” he said after a moment. Steph blinked, somewhat confused. “What?” He pointed up to the sky. “That constellation - it reminds me of a rabbit.” Steph squinted at the sky, attempting to follow his line of sight until she found a group of stars hovering above the horizon. “That looks nothing like a rabbit,” she said slowly. “Yes it does,” he insisted, tracing the stars with his fingers to demonstrate. “That’s the head … and those stars are the ears. And that star over there is the tail. See?” She did, sort of. “Okay, it’s a rabbit,” she conceded, then she grinned. “A very demented looking rabbit.” He tsked, dropping his hand so that it came to on the grass between them. When he spoke next, his voice was challenging; “I’d like to see you come up with a better one then.” She huffed, casting her eyes up at the stars again. “There,” she said finally, pointing. “That one looks like a dragon.” “Where?” There was excitement in his voice as he inched closer to her on the grass, his shoulder bumping roughly against hers.
  24. I would argue that we do have a fair bit of diversity, it may just be that we don’t necessarily share it here, we may have other outlets for that. I think that if the people using it approach it with an open mind then it could serve as I nice way to showcase MEMBERS work and a good way to see what other members are up to
  25. Good point - I might expand this scene for the WIP wednesdays =)
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