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Aquila's WIP/SSS Feedback Thread


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Well, might as well join in the fun.

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Six Sentence Saturday!

Fandom: Assassin's Creed but honestly, this could literally be an original story to if the names changed. I had to cut some dialogue out otherwise it wouldn't be six sentences.

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Clenching his jaw, he said, “I’m no villain.” 

A sardonic laugh escaped her throat, her dark eyes alive with mirth. "People have died under your rule. People have suffered under your leadership. Does that not make you guilty of the same crimes you accuse me of, Jacob Frye?” 

“Do not put our names in the same sentence because you and I are nothing alike,” he snarled.

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What I'm looking for: Does it sound mocking? I tend to naturally write in a pretty 'formal' manner as that's just how I am. But I want this dialogue to hit hard. What sorta vibe do you get?

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6 hours ago, AquilaTempestas said:

Clenching his jaw, he said, “I’m no villain.” 

A sardonic laugh escaped her throat, her dark eyes alive with mirth. "People have died under your rule. People have suffered under your leadership. Does that not make you guilty of the same crimes you accuse me of, Jacob Frye?” 

“Do not put our names in the same sentence because you and I are nothing alike,” he snarled.

I like it, but something about the last sentence isn't flowing well - like I feel the tension because your description lends to that but the last sentence is too long. Try just: You and I are nothing alike? 

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1 hour ago, darkened-storm said:

I like it, but something about the last sentence isn't flowing well - like I feel the tension because your description lends to that but the last sentence is too long. Try just: You and I are nothing alike? 

Oh there's more to it, lol. I just cut some parts out for Six Sentence Saturday.

But yeah. It does need an edit. I haven't touched it since 2015 heh. The suggestion makes sense, but I won't be changing it because I like how it sounds musical in my end haha.

 

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