So for the college mag I was asked to write a Halloween-themed spoof article. My initial topic was Urban Legends, but I scrapped it and wrote this at the last minute because I felt the old topic was more like a buzzfeed video.
I must say my editor did an absolutely golden job. Kudos, mate
CREEPY CLOWN SURVIVAL GUIDE
When the night is young, and the fear runs deep,
those who fear will find the creep!
So check your bathroom and check under your bed
For the devil is here, and he wants your head!
So, it’s that time of the year again- international cosplay week- i.e. Halloween! Horror movies all day in the theaters. Horror movies all night on TV. People dress up as poltergeists, devils, witches, warlocks, clowns and whatnot. Kids run from door to door collecting candy. All in all, it’s fun- unless, of course, you happen to live in India and all you get for Halloween are weird looks as people close the doors in your face. (Refer “Halloween In India”for longer rant).
Anyways, back on topic.
Sure, not all horror movies are scary. Sometimes, they’re just pure cliché. Typical scared teenagers running from a typical psychopath armed with a typical chainsaw. Sometimes the psychopath kills everyone, sometimes his plans are foiled and he dies.
So, what would you do if you were being chased by some kind of supernatural spirit or bloodthirsty psychopath? Would you die at his hands, or face him down and survive? Would you be the hero who saves everyone or the slowest runner of the group?
Take the case of the creepy clown sightings in North and South Carolina. The residents there might find themselves in such a situation. Who knows, one day even you might, right? In any case, it’s better to be prepared, isn’t it?
So here we go:
HOW TO SURVIVE A PSYCHOPATH
Don’t be an idiot.
Really now, how hard could it be? So many deaths could have been avoided if the characters used a little common sense while facing down or running away the psycho.
-Hear a creepy sound? Don’t go to check it out. It’s a trap. Don’t go calling “Hello? Is someone there?” It’s not going to work out for you, because, yes, there is someone there.
-Is the place dark? Don’t go to check it out. It’s a trap. Assume the worst-case scenario in every situation. There is a killer out to get you who knows where you are every moment. Going into a dark area is like signing your own death certificate.
-Stick together at all times. Because it’s obviously not a good idea to split up for any reason when you’re being chased by a machete-wielding clown.
-Keep your phone on silent. Because the worst way to die is by a phone call from your mom. Do you want to die a clichéd death?
-Don’t hide under the bed. Really, it’s the first place anyone would look.
-Keep your eyes open, and don’t trip and fall like that blonde girl running in heels in all the movies.
Learn to read the signs.
There’s a reason there are ‘Danger’ and ‘Keep out’ signs everywhere, you know.
-If people keep talking about the haunted house, don’t go to check it out. You’re just tempting fate if you do.
-Don’t be in places you’re not supposed to be in. If you do end up in one, try to get out as soon as possible. (I know this sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised.)
-If people say “Don’t chant Bloody Mary in front of the mirror, or she’ll come and brutalize you.” Then don’t chant Bloody Mary.
And by signs, I don’t just mean the physical ones. You should be able to read the situation and decide when to run.
-If the room’s lights are flickering, run.
-See someone or something in a reflection that’s not supposed to be there, run.
-If the previous owner of the house was murdered or killed himself, run.
-If things start floating by themselves or change positions by themselves, run.
-If there’s no cellphone reception, run.
-If you find random bloodstains, run.
-If the dolls turn their heads to give you creepy looks, run.
-If you start having hallucinations of ghosts and ghouls, run.
-If you hear things banging doors, windows and making noises, run.
-If you see shadows in the mist, run.
-If the dog won’t stop barking, run.
-If– never mind that, just RUN.
Remember, there’s no need to stick around before the psycho makes his appearance. Run before all hell breaks loose.
Stay on the defensive
What do you do if you’re being attacked, and attacking back is not an option? Defend yourself and your fellow scared teenagers.
-Figure out what weapon the killer is using. If it’s a gun, and you’re in America, first make sure it’s not your father coming to call you for dinner. If not, you’re probably screwed. Hiding is your best option. If it’s a melee weapon like a machete or a chainsaw, as is in most cases, then you have a chance.
-If it’s a gun, just run (preferably not in a straight line.)(We’re looking at you, Rickon.) Try to stay hidden. Don’t bother trying to play the hero and sneak up on the killer.
-If it’s a melee weapon, you have several options. Find something that can work as a makeshift shield.
-If running is not an option, then barricade yourself in.
-Always have an escape route in mind. Wouldn’t want to box ourselves in, would we?
-Try to outrun the guy. In most cases, you’d be able to do this if you were at least moderately physically fit. I mean, do you know how uncomfortable it is to run in a clown suit? Not to mention having to lug around a massive chainsaw would slow him down even further.
Well this obviously might not be applicable in every situation, but they do say a good offense is the best defence.
-Size up the killer. Is he extremely strong? What are his weaknesses? Is he wearing a mask that limits his field of vision?
-If it’s something like the creepy ghost girl from The Ring or Chucky the doll, sure, they may be creepy, but they’re small and weak. Hold ‘em down and kick some arse.
-Set up traps. It could be as simple as sticking out your foot in a doorway, but once he’s down, he’s out.
-If you outnumber him, attacking could be the best strategy. Rush him all at once- not much he can do then.
-Arm yourself with whatever you can find. Pipes, knives, sticks, anything.
-Coordinate with your friends. Don’t trickle in one by one, or he’ll take you all out, one by one.
-Once you’re done with beating the lights out of him, make sure he is really down.
-Tie him up and lock him up and have two people on guard at all times.
-Call the cops if you haven’t already (what were you doing all this while)
-Never try and take him on one-on-one. Even if you want to play the hero and impress the pretty girl.
-Don’t take knives to a gunfight.
-Never stay still unless you’re sleeping.
-If you are sleeping, then have at least two people keeping guard.
-If you’re alone, then don’t sleep.
-Even after a victorious counter-assault, remember: they never die the first time.
-Try and keep yourself outdoors- you have everywhere to run, and everywhere to hide, and you can see the killer coming at you from a mile away.
-Daytime is your friend. Praise the sun.
-Chanting prayers and throwing holy water isn’t going to be enough to save you. Don’t waste your time and breath doing so, just run.
And that’s all, folks.
To conclude…. Don’t die, or I would’ve have wasted all my time typing out this article, and that would make me mad. Like Clown-Suit mad.
Tiptoe, by the window, by the window, that’s where I’ll be~